I had a plan

I had a plan, a very detailed plan.....................

A plan of just how my life was going to turn out. I had it all covered.  I even had a definite timeline for every stage.

See me planning as if I created myself o.

And the first few stages of my plan went according to plan! Mehn! I was on fire and I just believed life was that predictable.

And then it happens. .........

Dunno if anyone knows this feeling, but I know it too well.......that moment when everything was just perfect minutes before that phone call came, or that person just did that thing, or that bus driver just hit your car, or that person just said that thing and then things just begin to go downhill from that point.

And then you are forced to say...."I was having a perfectly good day, and I saw how this day was going to end....just as perfectly as it started and this or that just had to go and mess it up for me"

That's what I like to call a rude awakening!

But u know what they say "if you figure it all out today, what's the point of tomorrow?"

Life is in stages and stages happen in processes. These stages and processes are ordered by the one who created us.....God.

So the next time you have a perfectly good detailed plan, just remember that the product can never really go out on its own and do whatever it likes, because the manufacturer had a specific guideline and purpose in mind.

Having said that, it is good to make plans, you just need to not be so rigid about them, that they cannot be changed. After all they are not the law of Medes and Persia. There has to be room for modifications, fine tuning and amendments and most importantly God.

Like I said, I had a plan, a very detailed one. The only problem was....it was a rigid plan and when time came to adjust and amend and fine tune, my plan crumbled in domino fashion.

What really matters..........

Saturday afternoon with way too may things to do like read, iron etc..........but I choose to lazy around and let my mind go into over drive.

So i wrote about denial in my last post and sorry to disappoint you, I am not going to write about the next 4 stages in subsequent posts cuz I figured, hey....what's the point. Not sure I really believe that they necessarily follow in that order any way.

Most of you may have heard the Labrinth song featuring Emeli Sande "beneath your beautiful" really lovely song, powerful words that kinda remind me of  how high we can build walls sometimes that it seems an almost impossible task for anyone to climb and reach to the other side. The weirdest part is we carry on like that effortlessly.............I can relate!

People build walls for different reasons. I have a few myself. Every one has a story and a history that has led them to be the way they are so, it is wise for us to first not judge people for being the way they are.

Having said that, some people  tend to use this as an excuse to act out and be selfish and inconsiderate towards others...............they only end up causing people around them more hurt and pain. This usually results in a ripple effect as it gives those that they have hurt reasons to build their own walls as well.

In life we always have a plethora of choices, whatever choices we make, we should consider how it affects the people in and around our lives. While I agree that it is not easy to be in the whatever shoes we individually wear, it is still not fair to stomp all over those who may genuinely care, and have decided to weather "our storm" with us, just because they are easily accessible to us. Remember that they are there by choice.

Let us always learn to appreciate what we have, before time makes us appreciate what we had! Of all the bad things that can happen to us in life, one of such is waking up one day to finally realize what
we have been missing, or the biggest mistake we have made.............only problem is we are too late. Of all the worst kinds of pain, the pangs of regret ranks high up there.

DENIAL

They say this is the first stage...............................

When one is unable to admit the truth or the true situation.

Unbelief  that the familiar would no longer be familiar. This is very much like seeing something right in front of you, the usual practice is for you to reach for it, but now...........you are trying to wrap your head around the fact that you cannot reach for it. Not because it isn't there anymore, not because it has been moved beyond your reach.........you just cannot.

Worse still, it seems to remain un-dented.

And so you begin to convince your self that this is not true and that maybe your mind is even playing tricks on you.

Everyone around you begins to talk sense into you and at first, you say to them "you don't understand, if only you can see my own point of view. I can actually see better than you because i have a prime seat  yada yada yada"

But it is as real as the next person is to you and nobody gets it and you don't know why.

Well............i don't know why either.

A lesson from my 4 year old god-daughter

So i haven't been here regularly like i promised myself i would be, but new year new things! will try to do this every Tuesday henceforth..............

Anyways, i thought i'd share this......

 

So I was away on holidays August last year, visiting with my Bestie who is mum to the most adorable, fashionable and intelligent 4 year old I know …………………and this is not just because I am her god-mother.

 

Bestie and I were talking about things we want and how they were taking so long to happen. So she decides to tell me about something that happened with her daughter a little while back and that story changed my life.

 

Her daughter was leaving nursery and about to start reception “big school” as she calls it…lol. She promised her a cake to share with her friends at nursery. The little girl was excited and was looking forward to celebrating with her friends.

 

So on the way back from nursery the day before graduation, her mum drove past the store where they normally got cake, and she reminded her saying “mummy we were supposed to get cake” and she said I know don’t worry. But she couldn’t understand why her mum passed the cake shop and she still kept asking and saying “mummy but you promised”.

 

Now Bestie had other plans, she wanted to get her something better, so she decided to get the more expensive and better quality cake, instead of the everyday cake they got from the usual store. But her daughter didn’t understand that, she had planned it all out. Mummy will go to the cake shop on bla bla Street and get me a cake on our way back from nursery. …….But mummy had bigger and better plans.

 

And not till her mum passed the house and kept going onto the other place where she would get the better cake that she stopped.

 

Now as human beings, we want God to do certain things for us, and we usually have it all planned out. God will do it this way and it will happen that way and so on. But his ways are not always our ways. He does things in his own time and way and how he wants.

 

We do not get to tell God what we want and also dictate to him how we want it. And so we go through life impatient, because things do not seem to be going according to plan, while God is saying “Child trust me, I know what I am doing”.

 

And even though we will eventually get where he is taking us, we would have missed all the moments in-between. So let’s try not to miss out on all the other moments in life while focusing on that one thing. Trust God, close your eyes and occasionally stop and smell the roses.

 

 

 

LEAVE OVER OH!!!!

Sounds incoherent right………….. that’s a common phrase at work.  A few weeks before leave commences the lucky person starts announcing “handover o” just to annoy everyone and yes it works. The catch however is when the leave is almost over, other colleagues begin every conversation they have with that person with “leave over o” and trust me, that hurts even more.

So that’s where I am at now………..leave over o! My 26 day leave has finally come to an end and I am back at work. Not the happiest really as I have lost the enthusiasm associated with it! Mehn I hope none of my …….. ever come across this post. No thanks to the ones that gave me grief when I was applying for my leave.

So back to my day, I had this out of body experience this morning, but not in a good way.  This was not the kind where you are way beyond excited about something. This was more like a disconnect. It felt really strange going back to my routine. You know when people say, they are physically present somewhere but their minds are far away. Both mind and body felt alien to the routine today.

And I know many of you will say “then just change or quit or something” especially after I tell you that time spent there is considerably near a decade. Hmm ……………..easier said than done o. A girl has needs o! Especially when you are single and still living with daddy. I need to be able to maintain my lifestyle.

Let me quickly correct you here………..i no be rich man pikin o! Middle class and not ashamed. How come I have a lifestyle abi? Everybody can have a lifestyle really, it’s all about having a particular idea of what your comfort level is, so yes I have a lifestyle. And to keep it that way, I cannot shakara o. And yes this may be the wrong kind of mentality but if you consider that I may not have the entrepreneurship gene it might make some sense to you.

Let me start by listing out all my failed businesses; first there was selling “Akosombo”  the Ghanaian material, well I wouldn’t exactly call that one a failed business, because it was what convinced me into thinking that I could actually sell and make money! But then again, it proved to be very expensive o, after calculating airfare to Ghana, the proceeds didn’t quite add up. Next I decided to sell shirts. This time, I sold them on order. So really I had all my customers before I even went ahead to purchase the shirts, and I made some good money there o, at least the proceeds paid part of my Cornell University online program fees in 2010. i quit business for a while because I was studying and I caught the business bug again in 2011, I put money together and decided to try baby clothes. I was sure there was a market for this here, but I guess I did not put into consideration how saturated it was. ………

So it turned out, I sold quite a number of the stuff I got, but I had a rude introduction to naija buyers! The do not pay o!! kai as we  speak, I still have over  well 50 grand in different hands.  I was only able to hit my cost price, thank God for that. I counted my losses, gave out the remaining clothes and moved on.

I wouldn’t exactly say moved on, because I am even more convinced that I am not cut out to be an entrepreneur or should I just say the buying and selling business!  Who do I blame for this now? While I do not intend to blame my parents o, but all I was told as a child was “make sure you read your books and pass, so you can get a good job”. I was wired right from childhood to be an employee. And all I wanted to do was to leave school and get that good job! Well…..here I am!

To be continued……………..

DREAMS

It feels a bit weird writing here again, it kinda seems like a yearly affair or something………………but the good news is that the year is not over yet, so I should get some credit for that at least….lol

I am writing but I do not even know what to title this out of the blues post of mine. Worse still, I am not sure what I even want to write about……….and just now dreams came to me. So I guess that’s what I would do, talk about dreams.

Hmmm dreams……. not referring to the semi unconcious state we get into every night when we lie in bed. I mean the other kind of dreaming which we do when we are wide awake and moving around or if you are like me, sometimes when we lie in bed but still very awake and conscious.

The other day, my bestie (who also convinced me recently to write more) was talking to me about knowing who you are first before you proceed to know what you want in your future better half. That actually inspired me to put pen to paper in an attempt to describe myself.

So I end up with this really long list (and don’t worry, I put in the good and bad stuff. I was so honest, I amazed myself….lol). So ……somewhere in that list was the attribute “day dreamer”.

I think I am the worst kind of day dreamer there is. I started day dreaming as a child. I remember very clearly and it started with TV. I watch a TV programme and I do not like how it ends, not to worry, I go to bed at night and lie awake for a few minutes or an hour or two and finish it in my head, and I pretty much grew up with that. So I tend to dream up my own happy endings. I see myself doing the things I always wanted to do and achieve all the things I want to in my mind’s eye.

I would like to add here that I am also a very graphic person, I can visualize in my mind conversations I’m having as they are going on, that’s probably from too much fantasizing and day dreaming.   Asides, the fun of it all, these are really things I want and the best way to keep me trying to achieve it, is keeping it alive in my mind. How else, but by constantly seeing it in my mind’s eye.

Now everyone has some dream or the other. I know that dreams do come true, one or two of mine have………so keep dreaming and believing for you never know which will come true.

i do not have a clue!

It's 5am Nigerian time 2nd jan, 2011 and I do not have a clue what I am doing awake, eyes wide open for lack of sleep.......


Battled with the idea of listening to music for a while, then I finally gave in and reached for my Joshua Radin playlist. My love affair with Joshua's songs first started when I watched the movie "Dear John" and his song "paperweight" was a soundtrack, which is incidentally what is playing now. That song hit me that day and reminded me of Simple times! Then Simple times sends me another Radin song "Sky". And I got curious and went after Radin full time, got loads of his songs and completely fell in love. My friends think he is pathetic and sad and bla......... But I think he is absolutely brilliant!

By the way we are operating under really cold and dusty weather conditions in Naija at the moment, I think it's what they call harmattan! Reminds me of secondary school boarding! January! By the way I went to a secondary school in some state far away from lagos which was built on a hill called "owinni". Morning weather during harmattan period was nasty! Soooooo cold and dusty! I cried most of my tears during that period. Hmmmmm.....the days I kept thinking to myself, would I ever leave this school! 6 years seemed like an eternity for me. Funny thing is I left there 14 years ago! And my life is so radically different from what it used to be like!

Question.......would that me even recognize this me as being one and the same person? Life eh!

So I decide to go and see what's on TV since sleep at this time is really a herculean task.........I start to flip through the channels and everything I find interesting and press the ok button has just finished! And I am thinking hey! Is this a grand conspiracy to bore me! Anyway it's sunday morning so, I'll be on my way to church in a few hours. Goody there is a holiday still tomorrow and I really do not have to work.

NB: To Simple times "I miss you more than I should, than I thought I could........can't get my mind of you. I hate the phone, but I wish you'd call"

1-1-11

Yay!!!!! Happy new year!

I actually have never blogged anything on new year's day before......like that's an achievement. Well I kinda have a very good feeling about this year! No matter how much I think about it, I always have this feeling of peace and excitement about it, so that's a good start to the year me thinks!

By the way, me and Mr. Osm have ended our compulsory friendship. On his own terms of course, he decided to opt out of the friendship at the end of last year. So I can officially say I no longer have OSM troubles! I did get a new friend though. Another friendship by compulsion. He's no OSM I can definitely tell you that, but he definitely has his own thing going on. Anyways that's his cup of tea or coffee, whichever he drinks. Guess I'll have to keep you posted if any interesting stuff happens on that tip, although I do not intend to stick around long enough to find out. I want to quit our compulsory friendship (just like OSM did me) soonest!


Anyways, off to do some new year things! Whatever that is. Just thought to drop a quick line, in my bid to be a regular here this year!

LETTING GO

.................So i am listening to my Shane Ward play list and trying to decide whether or not his version of "all my life" is better than the original KC & Jojo version.

anyways it's the 30th of October, 6:27pm, Sunday...........
I am thinking...wow, where did the entire year go!!!!!!!!!!!. It's 2 months to the end of the year, and i am trying to reconcile the way i felt starting the year and how i feel now that the year has almost come to an end. Not sure if i should be feeling the exact same way, but i am.

Have i achieved all i set out to achieve this year? No!

Do i have everything i wanted to get this year? No

Can i literally see me achieving any of these? honestly....No!

and then i ask myself why................ the answer is not far fetched really. I have been waiting to be happy!

That sounds kinda odd when you read it at first doesn't it? Someone might even be saying, what crap is she talking about! Waiting to be happy, what's that?

But let's face it, i am. I have spent the last X years of my life, telling myself "oh if i just got this or that, if this or that just happened as i have always wanted it, then my life would be perfect and i would be happy"

Then i got a rude awakening. I spend the beginning of each year, waiting for my heart desires to be fulfilled, so i can be happy.................your guess is just as good as mine. Year in Year out, it just never happens............ and yes, i have been an unhappy person for many years!

I have even prayed and said to the Lord, "Father, how long will i continue to be unhappy, all i am asking you, is just for me to be happy. That's what i want lord, surely that is not too much to ask" well ...still unhappy!

Until i realized that Life was just way too short for me to keep waiting to be happy. I had to decide to be happy right now, take in the moments and not let them pass by.

That's when i let go and Let God. This is one of the hardest things i have ever had to do in my life! I had to release it all to him and just say "Lord, i do not like where i am right now, but this is where you have me, you know where i want to be, let your will be done and Lord i trust that you will lead me in the right path". Sadly this means that i might never get what i want, but on a brighter note, what God gives, is lasting and better than what we dream of.

This means that even if i do not get my heart desires, i wouldn't be angry at God or everyone else in the world. Happiness is a choice, and i choose to be happy irrespective. After all, God is all that matters and if we really thought everything through, he was there at the beginning and he will be there in the end and so when we really think about it, everything else is really just a side attraction. I have this mantra i repeat to myself when i begin to get frustrated and it says "in the end, after all is said and done, God is all that matters" and i repeat that until i become calm.

Right now, my BB status reads "Cocooning" because i have gone to cocoon, so i can rediscover myself with this new view on life and emerge just like a butterfly, but this time, beautiful on the inside. Filling up my days with messages from Miles Munroe and Joel Osteen, songs from Casting Crowns and Steve Curtis Chapman.............and this is turning out to be a rewarding experience.

....and so the long and short of it is, the world may not fall at my feet, but i choose to be happy irrespective and no one can steal my Joy because it is found in the Lord!

Ping!

So I am sitting at my desk at the office and had to stop working temporarily as we had some system issues and the server had to be shut down temporarily! ....wondering what to do. I pick up my BB and decided to fiddle around with it. Then I visit this blog and start reading all my past posts and I found that I had totally forgotten I posted the last few things I did!

Especially since me and Mr. OSM now kinda have some sort of working agreement (I really do not think I can call it a relationship). Anyhoo, he does not push me and I do not react aswell. Relative peace!

Anyways I say to myself, why don't I blog something. It has been way too long since I did. So with BB in hand I sign in and start blogging!

Don't even know what I want to write about, so just typing what ever comes to my head. Systems are back on by the way but whatever. Will finish this post first.

I have had cause to introspect and second guess all the decisions I have ever made in my life over the past years, as I think this is necessary for me to move onto the next phase of my life. I remember how I always wanted to grow up soo fast when I was a kid.

In primary school, I would look at those in secondary school and I couldn't just wait to get there!
In secondary school, I thought, when I get to University, life would be wonderful.
And then I am in the university and I think, I cannot wait to graduate and get a job on the island, earn my own personal money, buy my car, wake up and decide to go on holidays and bla!

Now I have a job, I can afford one or 2 holidays, I did buy that car and I am asking myself, where did all my time go, I have grown up way too fast. Have I even lived mylife atall. Getting older so fast I cannot even keep track.

Then I realized that I had spent all my life trying to grow up, and be independent that I let moments pass me by.

And now.......I am living for the moments!

By the way, I tried to type this post with as little as possible abbreviations. This age of gadgets has reduced words to mere letters. And to think that a couple of years ago, there were no BB's and now most BB users cannot imagine life without it!

God help us!