LEAVE OVER OH!!!!

Sounds incoherent right………….. that’s a common phrase at work.  A few weeks before leave commences the lucky person starts announcing “handover o” just to annoy everyone and yes it works. The catch however is when the leave is almost over, other colleagues begin every conversation they have with that person with “leave over o” and trust me, that hurts even more.

So that’s where I am at now………..leave over o! My 26 day leave has finally come to an end and I am back at work. Not the happiest really as I have lost the enthusiasm associated with it! Mehn I hope none of my …….. ever come across this post. No thanks to the ones that gave me grief when I was applying for my leave.

So back to my day, I had this out of body experience this morning, but not in a good way.  This was not the kind where you are way beyond excited about something. This was more like a disconnect. It felt really strange going back to my routine. You know when people say, they are physically present somewhere but their minds are far away. Both mind and body felt alien to the routine today.

And I know many of you will say “then just change or quit or something” especially after I tell you that time spent there is considerably near a decade. Hmm ……………..easier said than done o. A girl has needs o! Especially when you are single and still living with daddy. I need to be able to maintain my lifestyle.

Let me quickly correct you here………..i no be rich man pikin o! Middle class and not ashamed. How come I have a lifestyle abi? Everybody can have a lifestyle really, it’s all about having a particular idea of what your comfort level is, so yes I have a lifestyle. And to keep it that way, I cannot shakara o. And yes this may be the wrong kind of mentality but if you consider that I may not have the entrepreneurship gene it might make some sense to you.

Let me start by listing out all my failed businesses; first there was selling “Akosombo”  the Ghanaian material, well I wouldn’t exactly call that one a failed business, because it was what convinced me into thinking that I could actually sell and make money! But then again, it proved to be very expensive o, after calculating airfare to Ghana, the proceeds didn’t quite add up. Next I decided to sell shirts. This time, I sold them on order. So really I had all my customers before I even went ahead to purchase the shirts, and I made some good money there o, at least the proceeds paid part of my Cornell University online program fees in 2010. i quit business for a while because I was studying and I caught the business bug again in 2011, I put money together and decided to try baby clothes. I was sure there was a market for this here, but I guess I did not put into consideration how saturated it was. ………

So it turned out, I sold quite a number of the stuff I got, but I had a rude introduction to naija buyers! The do not pay o!! kai as we  speak, I still have over  well 50 grand in different hands.  I was only able to hit my cost price, thank God for that. I counted my losses, gave out the remaining clothes and moved on.

I wouldn’t exactly say moved on, because I am even more convinced that I am not cut out to be an entrepreneur or should I just say the buying and selling business!  Who do I blame for this now? While I do not intend to blame my parents o, but all I was told as a child was “make sure you read your books and pass, so you can get a good job”. I was wired right from childhood to be an employee. And all I wanted to do was to leave school and get that good job! Well…..here I am!

To be continued……………..

DREAMS

It feels a bit weird writing here again, it kinda seems like a yearly affair or something………………but the good news is that the year is not over yet, so I should get some credit for that at least….lol

I am writing but I do not even know what to title this out of the blues post of mine. Worse still, I am not sure what I even want to write about……….and just now dreams came to me. So I guess that’s what I would do, talk about dreams.

Hmmm dreams……. not referring to the semi unconcious state we get into every night when we lie in bed. I mean the other kind of dreaming which we do when we are wide awake and moving around or if you are like me, sometimes when we lie in bed but still very awake and conscious.

The other day, my bestie (who also convinced me recently to write more) was talking to me about knowing who you are first before you proceed to know what you want in your future better half. That actually inspired me to put pen to paper in an attempt to describe myself.

So I end up with this really long list (and don’t worry, I put in the good and bad stuff. I was so honest, I amazed myself….lol). So ……somewhere in that list was the attribute “day dreamer”.

I think I am the worst kind of day dreamer there is. I started day dreaming as a child. I remember very clearly and it started with TV. I watch a TV programme and I do not like how it ends, not to worry, I go to bed at night and lie awake for a few minutes or an hour or two and finish it in my head, and I pretty much grew up with that. So I tend to dream up my own happy endings. I see myself doing the things I always wanted to do and achieve all the things I want to in my mind’s eye.

I would like to add here that I am also a very graphic person, I can visualize in my mind conversations I’m having as they are going on, that’s probably from too much fantasizing and day dreaming.   Asides, the fun of it all, these are really things I want and the best way to keep me trying to achieve it, is keeping it alive in my mind. How else, but by constantly seeing it in my mind’s eye.

Now everyone has some dream or the other. I know that dreams do come true, one or two of mine have………so keep dreaming and believing for you never know which will come true.

i do not have a clue!

It's 5am Nigerian time 2nd jan, 2011 and I do not have a clue what I am doing awake, eyes wide open for lack of sleep.......


Battled with the idea of listening to music for a while, then I finally gave in and reached for my Joshua Radin playlist. My love affair with Joshua's songs first started when I watched the movie "Dear John" and his song "paperweight" was a soundtrack, which is incidentally what is playing now. That song hit me that day and reminded me of Simple times! Then Simple times sends me another Radin song "Sky". And I got curious and went after Radin full time, got loads of his songs and completely fell in love. My friends think he is pathetic and sad and bla......... But I think he is absolutely brilliant!

By the way we are operating under really cold and dusty weather conditions in Naija at the moment, I think it's what they call harmattan! Reminds me of secondary school boarding! January! By the way I went to a secondary school in some state far away from lagos which was built on a hill called "owinni". Morning weather during harmattan period was nasty! Soooooo cold and dusty! I cried most of my tears during that period. Hmmmmm.....the days I kept thinking to myself, would I ever leave this school! 6 years seemed like an eternity for me. Funny thing is I left there 14 years ago! And my life is so radically different from what it used to be like!

Question.......would that me even recognize this me as being one and the same person? Life eh!

So I decide to go and see what's on TV since sleep at this time is really a herculean task.........I start to flip through the channels and everything I find interesting and press the ok button has just finished! And I am thinking hey! Is this a grand conspiracy to bore me! Anyway it's sunday morning so, I'll be on my way to church in a few hours. Goody there is a holiday still tomorrow and I really do not have to work.

NB: To Simple times "I miss you more than I should, than I thought I could........can't get my mind of you. I hate the phone, but I wish you'd call"

1-1-11

Yay!!!!! Happy new year!

I actually have never blogged anything on new year's day before......like that's an achievement. Well I kinda have a very good feeling about this year! No matter how much I think about it, I always have this feeling of peace and excitement about it, so that's a good start to the year me thinks!

By the way, me and Mr. Osm have ended our compulsory friendship. On his own terms of course, he decided to opt out of the friendship at the end of last year. So I can officially say I no longer have OSM troubles! I did get a new friend though. Another friendship by compulsion. He's no OSM I can definitely tell you that, but he definitely has his own thing going on. Anyways that's his cup of tea or coffee, whichever he drinks. Guess I'll have to keep you posted if any interesting stuff happens on that tip, although I do not intend to stick around long enough to find out. I want to quit our compulsory friendship (just like OSM did me) soonest!


Anyways, off to do some new year things! Whatever that is. Just thought to drop a quick line, in my bid to be a regular here this year!

LETTING GO

.................So i am listening to my Shane Ward play list and trying to decide whether or not his version of "all my life" is better than the original KC & Jojo version.

anyways it's the 30th of October, 6:27pm, Sunday...........
I am thinking...wow, where did the entire year go!!!!!!!!!!!. It's 2 months to the end of the year, and i am trying to reconcile the way i felt starting the year and how i feel now that the year has almost come to an end. Not sure if i should be feeling the exact same way, but i am.

Have i achieved all i set out to achieve this year? No!

Do i have everything i wanted to get this year? No

Can i literally see me achieving any of these? honestly....No!

and then i ask myself why................ the answer is not far fetched really. I have been waiting to be happy!

That sounds kinda odd when you read it at first doesn't it? Someone might even be saying, what crap is she talking about! Waiting to be happy, what's that?

But let's face it, i am. I have spent the last X years of my life, telling myself "oh if i just got this or that, if this or that just happened as i have always wanted it, then my life would be perfect and i would be happy"

Then i got a rude awakening. I spend the beginning of each year, waiting for my heart desires to be fulfilled, so i can be happy.................your guess is just as good as mine. Year in Year out, it just never happens............ and yes, i have been an unhappy person for many years!

I have even prayed and said to the Lord, "Father, how long will i continue to be unhappy, all i am asking you, is just for me to be happy. That's what i want lord, surely that is not too much to ask" well ...still unhappy!

Until i realized that Life was just way too short for me to keep waiting to be happy. I had to decide to be happy right now, take in the moments and not let them pass by.

That's when i let go and Let God. This is one of the hardest things i have ever had to do in my life! I had to release it all to him and just say "Lord, i do not like where i am right now, but this is where you have me, you know where i want to be, let your will be done and Lord i trust that you will lead me in the right path". Sadly this means that i might never get what i want, but on a brighter note, what God gives, is lasting and better than what we dream of.

This means that even if i do not get my heart desires, i wouldn't be angry at God or everyone else in the world. Happiness is a choice, and i choose to be happy irrespective. After all, God is all that matters and if we really thought everything through, he was there at the beginning and he will be there in the end and so when we really think about it, everything else is really just a side attraction. I have this mantra i repeat to myself when i begin to get frustrated and it says "in the end, after all is said and done, God is all that matters" and i repeat that until i become calm.

Right now, my BB status reads "Cocooning" because i have gone to cocoon, so i can rediscover myself with this new view on life and emerge just like a butterfly, but this time, beautiful on the inside. Filling up my days with messages from Miles Munroe and Joel Osteen, songs from Casting Crowns and Steve Curtis Chapman.............and this is turning out to be a rewarding experience.

....and so the long and short of it is, the world may not fall at my feet, but i choose to be happy irrespective and no one can steal my Joy because it is found in the Lord!

Ping!

So I am sitting at my desk at the office and had to stop working temporarily as we had some system issues and the server had to be shut down temporarily! ....wondering what to do. I pick up my BB and decided to fiddle around with it. Then I visit this blog and start reading all my past posts and I found that I had totally forgotten I posted the last few things I did!

Especially since me and Mr. OSM now kinda have some sort of working agreement (I really do not think I can call it a relationship). Anyhoo, he does not push me and I do not react aswell. Relative peace!

Anyways I say to myself, why don't I blog something. It has been way too long since I did. So with BB in hand I sign in and start blogging!

Don't even know what I want to write about, so just typing what ever comes to my head. Systems are back on by the way but whatever. Will finish this post first.

I have had cause to introspect and second guess all the decisions I have ever made in my life over the past years, as I think this is necessary for me to move onto the next phase of my life. I remember how I always wanted to grow up soo fast when I was a kid.

In primary school, I would look at those in secondary school and I couldn't just wait to get there!
In secondary school, I thought, when I get to University, life would be wonderful.
And then I am in the university and I think, I cannot wait to graduate and get a job on the island, earn my own personal money, buy my car, wake up and decide to go on holidays and bla!

Now I have a job, I can afford one or 2 holidays, I did buy that car and I am asking myself, where did all my time go, I have grown up way too fast. Have I even lived mylife atall. Getting older so fast I cannot even keep track.

Then I realized that I had spent all my life trying to grow up, and be independent that I let moments pass me by.

And now.......I am living for the moments!

By the way, I tried to type this post with as little as possible abbreviations. This age of gadgets has reduced words to mere letters. And to think that a couple of years ago, there were no BB's and now most BB users cannot imagine life without it!

God help us!

today thursday 11th mar, 2010

So today with osm started off to a very rough start, but eventually calmed down as the day progressed.............................

Went to visit Mr. osm at about 10am this morning and he was helping himself to bread and butter! i had something to give him, so i just say a quick hi and drop it off on his coffee table in a bid to let him continue with his meal and that went out of hand.

Me: Goodmorning Mr. osm

Mr. osm: Morning! (bread and butter in mouth)

at this point, i proceed to drop the stuff on his coffee table and exit quietly............

Mr. osm: COME! what is that?

Me: oh its the stuff we talked about 2 days ago

Mr. osm: what? i did not talk about anything with you, you have not told me anything. How dare you just walk in without saying anything and drop stuff on my own coffee table! Look, i am warning you! i hope you know i am replacing your friend and things have changed! i am your new friend now and our friendship would be handled my way. If you and your friend had any kind of understanding, you and i don't. remember i warned you 2 days ago not to say umhmnn to me again (at this point, i'm wondering how that came into the mix). Be warned!

Me: But i said good morning when i entered your house this morning, before i proceeded to drop the stuff on your coffee table and we had already discussed this.

Mr. osm: i don't care if you say goodmorning or not!

really? cuz i remember a discussion we had 4 months ago. that went like this.............

i put a call through to osm and he answers...................

Mr. osm: Hello

Me: Hello (and i proceed to explain why i had called)

then he cuts in

Mr. osm: What is wrong with you, why would you call me and not greet me?

Me: but i said hello before i started talking

apparently where he comes from, that isn't a form of greeting!

Mr. osm: yes, is that good morning, or don't you know you should say good morning? i have been warning you, you are rude! you have a bad habit. it is very bad and bla bla bla.

and now all of a sudden and out of the blues, he says to me today that it doesn't matter if i greet him or not! hmmmmmmmm osm! will you ever change?

the adventures of moi and osm!

Haven't been here in a while as usual, life happened! lost someone close to me and i have been trying to wrap my head around all recent happenings!

promised the last time i was here that i would work on myself, not complain and most importantly not hurl insults at my fellow road users even though they deserve it. well...........i kinda like tried for like one week straight and it felt good, then life happened and i kinda just lashed out and around a bit, but i kept it together most of the time. it's kinda going to be a bit more difficult these days as there is a new friend constantly in my face who is working my last nerve!

lets call my friend Mr. OSM! just so you know, what Mr. osm and i have is friendship by compulsion and not by choice, so as much as i wanna dump this friend of mine, i cannot, until a miracle happens.

By the way, Mr. osm and i have some history, he had to stand in for a friend of mine for about 3 weeks some time last year, and those were three hellish weeks for me! Now my friend has moved out of town and Mr. osm ends up as my new BFF. I think this Mr. osm derives pleasure from a subservient friend. He loves the Master-Servant relationship and cannot understand the need for any other kind of relationship. He loves the terms "i have warned you never to" "How dare you not agree with me" and the list goes on! By the way, he has a thing for always hanging up on you and promising to unleash terror! My friend says surprises are his speciality.

I on the other hand, am averse to the Master-Servant set up, so there has been a lot of resistance from my end. But will osm leave me alone, how can? He cannot wrap his head around the fact that i will not give him pleasure by being subservient! He tries with all his might to break me, but i will not just be broken, so now he says "You have a very bad attitude", "You can not accept change" and bla bla bla.

So today alone, i heard the words he has labelled me with and i got hung up on, all by my friend. It would be interesting to see what tomorrow holds with him.

Through the drive home, i kept saying to myself, that osm might be a way to test my resolve to restrain myself from lashing out, so here goes...................

Hi, my name is .................. and i have anger issues!

If i were a member of a support group like say "Anger Anonymous" ;-), This would have been my opening line.



I have gotten angrier over the years i think! and my outlet for it is on the road to other road users who "annoy me". I know there is an underlying issue of which this anger is the product, but its one of those "Cuando seas mia" thingys that you can do nothing about really.



Generally my RA, "Road Anger" as i choose to call it, is getting out of hand and almost got me into trouble with some thug like area boys on an Okada one day. I so wasn't thinking when i did the 'YOU ARE MAD" thing with my hand and they stopped and started saying stuff, had to apologise immediately in the name of self preservation.



When RA happens, i say all sorts of unprintable stuff and i motion with my hand as well! after the area boy incidence, i kinda ditched the hand thing for when it's absolutely necesary and when the person on the recieving end looks harmless.

Don't get me wrong, RA is only for deserving people who, drive on the road like they are on a go cart, switching lanes at will or for those who just flash their full lights in your eyes when it is absolutely unnecessary, or those who think they can do a quick one and get in front of you while you are on top speed, not to mention the ones who cross the road and make you almost run them over! and the list goes on and on and on!



Do i really need to do this? the answer is no! then why do i do it? it's just an outlet for me, plus i have become soooo used to it. i have tried to stop this sooooooo many times, but it has eluded me! Now i am so so serious about it, will definately make a bigger effort.



So i am giving myself a 30 day challenge! 30 days on the road without any RA! if i slip for one day, then i start all over again until i get it right. wish me luck!

The day after Feb 14th

Somebody anyone! who detests okadas like i do? geez!!!!!!!! i cannot stand them. Most annoying part is that they are now like bees on lagos roads. Was soooo irritated driving all the way to work and back today because they were just coming at me in all directions! If i could have one wish come true, i would ban all okada riders from Lagos. Most annoying part is that they are like a necessary evil!

So it's a monday again and i had to pull myself out of bed this moring and head to work, even though i did not have the will to............ had a fun morning though. Enjoyed almost an hour of male bashing (Sorry Guys, i couldn't help myself) before i hit my desk. Had a really boring day by the way. This is like "day uncountable" in my string of bad days, so really hoping sunny days are just around the corner for me.

maybe i need to see a shrink, maybe i don't! kinda unsure about that. i have been toying with the idea for almost 4 years now, so maybe i don't if i could avoid it for this long.

Saw the soopy "Love Actually" yesterday. love it! love it! love it!

dunno what this blog is turning into especially with this post. Think it's becoming like my e-diary or something. Activated a twitter account yesterday by the way and deactivated it today. Think i am done with the likes of Hi-Five, Facebook and twitter. besides i think Twitter is soooooooooo boring. Seriously! i can tweet anything i want? duh....... so can i on my blog!

feel a headache coming on, especially with the thought of having to go to work tomorrow.

By the way, who thinks the new "we are the world for Haiti" is cool? i know i do. saw the video on youtube and it was sooo cool. especially how they incorporated rap into it. I even teared up when i got to Michael Jackson's part!

xxxx