.................So i am listening to my Shane Ward play list and trying to decide whether or not his version of "all my life" is better than the original KC & Jojo version.
anyways it's the 30th of October, 6:27pm, Sunday...........
I am thinking...wow, where did the entire year go!!!!!!!!!!!. It's 2 months to the end of the year, and i am trying to reconcile the way i felt starting the year and how i feel now that the year has almost come to an end. Not sure if i should be feeling the exact same way, but i am.
Have i achieved all i set out to achieve this year? No!
Do i have everything i wanted to get this year? No
Can i literally see me achieving any of these? honestly....No!
and then i ask myself why................ the answer is not far fetched really. I have been waiting to be happy!
That sounds kinda odd when you read it at first doesn't it? Someone might even be saying, what crap is she talking about! Waiting to be happy, what's that?
But let's face it, i am. I have spent the last X years of my life, telling myself "oh if i just got this or that, if this or that just happened as i have always wanted it, then my life would be perfect and i would be happy"
Then i got a rude awakening. I spend the beginning of each year, waiting for my heart desires to be fulfilled, so i can be happy.................your guess is just as good as mine. Year in Year out, it just never happens............ and yes, i have been an unhappy person for many years!
I have even prayed and said to the Lord, "Father, how long will i continue to be unhappy, all i am asking you, is just for me to be happy. That's what i want lord, surely that is not too much to ask" well ...still unhappy!
Until i realized that Life was just way too short for me to keep waiting to be happy. I had to decide to be happy right now, take in the moments and not let them pass by.
That's when i let go and Let God. This is one of the hardest things i have ever had to do in my life! I had to release it all to him and just say "Lord, i do not like where i am right now, but this is where you have me, you know where i want to be, let your will be done and Lord i trust that you will lead me in the right path". Sadly this means that i might never get what i want, but on a brighter note, what God gives, is lasting and better than what we dream of.
This means that even if i do not get my heart desires, i wouldn't be angry at God or everyone else in the world. Happiness is a choice, and i choose to be happy irrespective. After all, God is all that matters and if we really thought everything through, he was there at the beginning and he will be there in the end and so when we really think about it, everything else is really just a side attraction. I have this mantra i repeat to myself when i begin to get frustrated and it says "in the end, after all is said and done, God is all that matters" and i repeat that until i become calm.
Right now, my BB status reads "Cocooning" because i have gone to cocoon, so i can rediscover myself with this new view on life and emerge just like a butterfly, but this time, beautiful on the inside. Filling up my days with messages from Miles Munroe and Joel Osteen, songs from Casting Crowns and Steve Curtis Chapman.............and this is turning out to be a rewarding experience.
....and so the long and short of it is, the world may not fall at my feet, but i choose to be happy irrespective and no one can steal my Joy because it is found in the Lord!
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Tuesday, October 05, 2010
Ping!
So I am sitting at my desk at the office and had to stop working temporarily as we had some system issues and the server had to be shut down temporarily! ....wondering what to do. I pick up my BB and decided to fiddle around with it. Then I visit this blog and start reading all my past posts and I found that I had totally forgotten I posted the last few things I did!
Especially since me and Mr. OSM now kinda have some sort of working agreement (I really do not think I can call it a relationship). Anyhoo, he does not push me and I do not react aswell. Relative peace!
Anyways I say to myself, why don't I blog something. It has been way too long since I did. So with BB in hand I sign in and start blogging!
Don't even know what I want to write about, so just typing what ever comes to my head. Systems are back on by the way but whatever. Will finish this post first.
I have had cause to introspect and second guess all the decisions I have ever made in my life over the past years, as I think this is necessary for me to move onto the next phase of my life. I remember how I always wanted to grow up soo fast when I was a kid.
In primary school, I would look at those in secondary school and I couldn't just wait to get there!
In secondary school, I thought, when I get to University, life would be wonderful.
And then I am in the university and I think, I cannot wait to graduate and get a job on the island, earn my own personal money, buy my car, wake up and decide to go on holidays and bla!
Now I have a job, I can afford one or 2 holidays, I did buy that car and I am asking myself, where did all my time go, I have grown up way too fast. Have I even lived mylife atall. Getting older so fast I cannot even keep track.
Then I realized that I had spent all my life trying to grow up, and be independent that I let moments pass me by.
And now.......I am living for the moments!
By the way, I tried to type this post with as little as possible abbreviations. This age of gadgets has reduced words to mere letters. And to think that a couple of years ago, there were no BB's and now most BB users cannot imagine life without it!
God help us!
Especially since me and Mr. OSM now kinda have some sort of working agreement (I really do not think I can call it a relationship). Anyhoo, he does not push me and I do not react aswell. Relative peace!
Anyways I say to myself, why don't I blog something. It has been way too long since I did. So with BB in hand I sign in and start blogging!
Don't even know what I want to write about, so just typing what ever comes to my head. Systems are back on by the way but whatever. Will finish this post first.
I have had cause to introspect and second guess all the decisions I have ever made in my life over the past years, as I think this is necessary for me to move onto the next phase of my life. I remember how I always wanted to grow up soo fast when I was a kid.
In primary school, I would look at those in secondary school and I couldn't just wait to get there!
In secondary school, I thought, when I get to University, life would be wonderful.
And then I am in the university and I think, I cannot wait to graduate and get a job on the island, earn my own personal money, buy my car, wake up and decide to go on holidays and bla!
Now I have a job, I can afford one or 2 holidays, I did buy that car and I am asking myself, where did all my time go, I have grown up way too fast. Have I even lived mylife atall. Getting older so fast I cannot even keep track.
Then I realized that I had spent all my life trying to grow up, and be independent that I let moments pass me by.
And now.......I am living for the moments!
By the way, I tried to type this post with as little as possible abbreviations. This age of gadgets has reduced words to mere letters. And to think that a couple of years ago, there were no BB's and now most BB users cannot imagine life without it!
God help us!
Thursday, March 11, 2010
today thursday 11th mar, 2010
So today with osm started off to a very rough start, but eventually calmed down as the day progressed.............................
Went to visit Mr. osm at about 10am this morning and he was helping himself to bread and butter! i had something to give him, so i just say a quick hi and drop it off on his coffee table in a bid to let him continue with his meal and that went out of hand.
Me: Goodmorning Mr. osm
Mr. osm: Morning! (bread and butter in mouth)
at this point, i proceed to drop the stuff on his coffee table and exit quietly............
Mr. osm: COME! what is that?
Me: oh its the stuff we talked about 2 days ago
Mr. osm: what? i did not talk about anything with you, you have not told me anything. How dare you just walk in without saying anything and drop stuff on my own coffee table! Look, i am warning you! i hope you know i am replacing your friend and things have changed! i am your new friend now and our friendship would be handled my way. If you and your friend had any kind of understanding, you and i don't. remember i warned you 2 days ago not to say umhmnn to me again (at this point, i'm wondering how that came into the mix). Be warned!
Me: But i said good morning when i entered your house this morning, before i proceeded to drop the stuff on your coffee table and we had already discussed this.
Mr. osm: i don't care if you say goodmorning or not!
really? cuz i remember a discussion we had 4 months ago. that went like this.............
i put a call through to osm and he answers...................
Mr. osm: Hello
Me: Hello (and i proceed to explain why i had called)
then he cuts in
Mr. osm: What is wrong with you, why would you call me and not greet me?
Me: but i said hello before i started talking
apparently where he comes from, that isn't a form of greeting!
Mr. osm: yes, is that good morning, or don't you know you should say good morning? i have been warning you, you are rude! you have a bad habit. it is very bad and bla bla bla.
and now all of a sudden and out of the blues, he says to me today that it doesn't matter if i greet him or not! hmmmmmmmm osm! will you ever change?
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
the adventures of moi and osm!
Haven't been here in a while as usual, life happened! lost someone close to me and i have been trying to wrap my head around all recent happenings!
promised the last time i was here that i would work on myself, not complain and most importantly not hurl insults at my fellow road users even though they deserve it. well...........i kinda like tried for like one week straight and it felt good, then life happened and i kinda just lashed out and around a bit, but i kept it together most of the time. it's kinda going to be a bit more difficult these days as there is a new friend constantly in my face who is working my last nerve!
lets call my friend Mr. OSM! just so you know, what Mr. osm and i have is friendship by compulsion and not by choice, so as much as i wanna dump this friend of mine, i cannot, until a miracle happens.
By the way, Mr. osm and i have some history, he had to stand in for a friend of mine for about 3 weeks some time last year, and those were three hellish weeks for me! Now my friend has moved out of town and Mr. osm ends up as my new BFF. I think this Mr. osm derives pleasure from a subservient friend. He loves the Master-Servant relationship and cannot understand the need for any other kind of relationship. He loves the terms "i have warned you never to" "How dare you not agree with me" and the list goes on! By the way, he has a thing for always hanging up on you and promising to unleash terror! My friend says surprises are his speciality.
I on the other hand, am averse to the Master-Servant set up, so there has been a lot of resistance from my end. But will osm leave me alone, how can? He cannot wrap his head around the fact that i will not give him pleasure by being subservient! He tries with all his might to break me, but i will not just be broken, so now he says "You have a very bad attitude", "You can not accept change" and bla bla bla.
So today alone, i heard the words he has labelled me with and i got hung up on, all by my friend. It would be interesting to see what tomorrow holds with him.
Through the drive home, i kept saying to myself, that osm might be a way to test my resolve to restrain myself from lashing out, so here goes...................
promised the last time i was here that i would work on myself, not complain and most importantly not hurl insults at my fellow road users even though they deserve it. well...........i kinda like tried for like one week straight and it felt good, then life happened and i kinda just lashed out and around a bit, but i kept it together most of the time. it's kinda going to be a bit more difficult these days as there is a new friend constantly in my face who is working my last nerve!
lets call my friend Mr. OSM! just so you know, what Mr. osm and i have is friendship by compulsion and not by choice, so as much as i wanna dump this friend of mine, i cannot, until a miracle happens.
By the way, Mr. osm and i have some history, he had to stand in for a friend of mine for about 3 weeks some time last year, and those were three hellish weeks for me! Now my friend has moved out of town and Mr. osm ends up as my new BFF. I think this Mr. osm derives pleasure from a subservient friend. He loves the Master-Servant relationship and cannot understand the need for any other kind of relationship. He loves the terms "i have warned you never to" "How dare you not agree with me" and the list goes on! By the way, he has a thing for always hanging up on you and promising to unleash terror! My friend says surprises are his speciality.
I on the other hand, am averse to the Master-Servant set up, so there has been a lot of resistance from my end. But will osm leave me alone, how can? He cannot wrap his head around the fact that i will not give him pleasure by being subservient! He tries with all his might to break me, but i will not just be broken, so now he says "You have a very bad attitude", "You can not accept change" and bla bla bla.
So today alone, i heard the words he has labelled me with and i got hung up on, all by my friend. It would be interesting to see what tomorrow holds with him.
Through the drive home, i kept saying to myself, that osm might be a way to test my resolve to restrain myself from lashing out, so here goes...................
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Hi, my name is .................. and i have anger issues!
If i were a member of a support group like say "Anger Anonymous" ;-), This would have been my opening line.
I have gotten angrier over the years i think! and my outlet for it is on the road to other road users who "annoy me". I know there is an underlying issue of which this anger is the product, but its one of those "Cuando seas mia" thingys that you can do nothing about really.
Generally my RA, "Road Anger" as i choose to call it, is getting out of hand and almost got me into trouble with some thug like area boys on an Okada one day. I so wasn't thinking when i did the 'YOU ARE MAD" thing with my hand and they stopped and started saying stuff, had to apologise immediately in the name of self preservation.
When RA happens, i say all sorts of unprintable stuff and i motion with my hand as well! after the area boy incidence, i kinda ditched the hand thing for when it's absolutely necesary and when the person on the recieving end looks harmless.
Don't get me wrong, RA is only for deserving people who, drive on the road like they are on a go cart, switching lanes at will or for those who just flash their full lights in your eyes when it is absolutely unnecessary, or those who think they can do a quick one and get in front of you while you are on top speed, not to mention the ones who cross the road and make you almost run them over! and the list goes on and on and on!
Do i really need to do this? the answer is no! then why do i do it? it's just an outlet for me, plus i have become soooo used to it. i have tried to stop this sooooooo many times, but it has eluded me! Now i am so so serious about it, will definately make a bigger effort.
So i am giving myself a 30 day challenge! 30 days on the road without any RA! if i slip for one day, then i start all over again until i get it right. wish me luck!
I have gotten angrier over the years i think! and my outlet for it is on the road to other road users who "annoy me". I know there is an underlying issue of which this anger is the product, but its one of those "Cuando seas mia" thingys that you can do nothing about really.
Generally my RA, "Road Anger" as i choose to call it, is getting out of hand and almost got me into trouble with some thug like area boys on an Okada one day. I so wasn't thinking when i did the 'YOU ARE MAD" thing with my hand and they stopped and started saying stuff, had to apologise immediately in the name of self preservation.
When RA happens, i say all sorts of unprintable stuff and i motion with my hand as well! after the area boy incidence, i kinda ditched the hand thing for when it's absolutely necesary and when the person on the recieving end looks harmless.
Don't get me wrong, RA is only for deserving people who, drive on the road like they are on a go cart, switching lanes at will or for those who just flash their full lights in your eyes when it is absolutely unnecessary, or those who think they can do a quick one and get in front of you while you are on top speed, not to mention the ones who cross the road and make you almost run them over! and the list goes on and on and on!
Do i really need to do this? the answer is no! then why do i do it? it's just an outlet for me, plus i have become soooo used to it. i have tried to stop this sooooooo many times, but it has eluded me! Now i am so so serious about it, will definately make a bigger effort.
So i am giving myself a 30 day challenge! 30 days on the road without any RA! if i slip for one day, then i start all over again until i get it right. wish me luck!
Monday, February 15, 2010
The day after Feb 14th
Somebody anyone! who detests okadas like i do? geez!!!!!!!! i cannot stand them. Most annoying part is that they are now like bees on lagos roads. Was soooo irritated driving all the way to work and back today because they were just coming at me in all directions! If i could have one wish come true, i would ban all okada riders from Lagos. Most annoying part is that they are like a necessary evil!
So it's a monday again and i had to pull myself out of bed this moring and head to work, even though i did not have the will to............ had a fun morning though. Enjoyed almost an hour of male bashing (Sorry Guys, i couldn't help myself) before i hit my desk. Had a really boring day by the way. This is like "day uncountable" in my string of bad days, so really hoping sunny days are just around the corner for me.
maybe i need to see a shrink, maybe i don't! kinda unsure about that. i have been toying with the idea for almost 4 years now, so maybe i don't if i could avoid it for this long.
Saw the soopy "Love Actually" yesterday. love it! love it! love it!
dunno what this blog is turning into especially with this post. Think it's becoming like my e-diary or something. Activated a twitter account yesterday by the way and deactivated it today. Think i am done with the likes of Hi-Five, Facebook and twitter. besides i think Twitter is soooooooooo boring. Seriously! i can tweet anything i want? duh....... so can i on my blog!
feel a headache coming on, especially with the thought of having to go to work tomorrow.
By the way, who thinks the new "we are the world for Haiti" is cool? i know i do. saw the video on youtube and it was sooo cool. especially how they incorporated rap into it. I even teared up when i got to Michael Jackson's part!
xxxx
So it's a monday again and i had to pull myself out of bed this moring and head to work, even though i did not have the will to............ had a fun morning though. Enjoyed almost an hour of male bashing (Sorry Guys, i couldn't help myself) before i hit my desk. Had a really boring day by the way. This is like "day uncountable" in my string of bad days, so really hoping sunny days are just around the corner for me.
maybe i need to see a shrink, maybe i don't! kinda unsure about that. i have been toying with the idea for almost 4 years now, so maybe i don't if i could avoid it for this long.
Saw the soopy "Love Actually" yesterday. love it! love it! love it!
dunno what this blog is turning into especially with this post. Think it's becoming like my e-diary or something. Activated a twitter account yesterday by the way and deactivated it today. Think i am done with the likes of Hi-Five, Facebook and twitter. besides i think Twitter is soooooooooo boring. Seriously! i can tweet anything i want? duh....... so can i on my blog!
feel a headache coming on, especially with the thought of having to go to work tomorrow.
By the way, who thinks the new "we are the world for Haiti" is cool? i know i do. saw the video on youtube and it was sooo cool. especially how they incorporated rap into it. I even teared up when i got to Michael Jackson's part!
xxxx
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Life Happens!
Started to write this post last month and never finished it, never posted it either! but now that i'm reading it again, it kinda feels finished, so i'd just post it..................................
so its a new year....................yeah yeah i know its already like 17 days into the year, but its still new innit! It's eightish and i'm on my computer writing this posT...OBVIOUSLY!
Er.............i'm not high, just incase it appears so! went to bed yesterday night thinking i knew exactly how today would turn out. i even woke up and i had it all planned out in my head. but alas! i'm sure you can take a hint.
so i had this dream................................................. that i had spent the last three and a half years of my life, waiting and waiting for ........now that's the funny part i dunno what i was waiting for!
so its a new year....................yeah yeah i know its already like 17 days into the year, but its still new innit! It's eightish and i'm on my computer writing this posT...OBVIOUSLY!
Er.............i'm not high, just incase it appears so! went to bed yesterday night thinking i knew exactly how today would turn out. i even woke up and i had it all planned out in my head. but alas! i'm sure you can take a hint.
so i had this dream................................................. that i had spent the last three and a half years of my life, waiting and waiting for ........now that's the funny part i dunno what i was waiting for!
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