LETTING GO

.................So i am listening to my Shane Ward play list and trying to decide whether or not his version of "all my life" is better than the original KC & Jojo version.

anyways it's the 30th of October, 6:27pm, Sunday...........
I am thinking...wow, where did the entire year go!!!!!!!!!!!. It's 2 months to the end of the year, and i am trying to reconcile the way i felt starting the year and how i feel now that the year has almost come to an end. Not sure if i should be feeling the exact same way, but i am.

Have i achieved all i set out to achieve this year? No!

Do i have everything i wanted to get this year? No

Can i literally see me achieving any of these? honestly....No!

and then i ask myself why................ the answer is not far fetched really. I have been waiting to be happy!

That sounds kinda odd when you read it at first doesn't it? Someone might even be saying, what crap is she talking about! Waiting to be happy, what's that?

But let's face it, i am. I have spent the last X years of my life, telling myself "oh if i just got this or that, if this or that just happened as i have always wanted it, then my life would be perfect and i would be happy"

Then i got a rude awakening. I spend the beginning of each year, waiting for my heart desires to be fulfilled, so i can be happy.................your guess is just as good as mine. Year in Year out, it just never happens............ and yes, i have been an unhappy person for many years!

I have even prayed and said to the Lord, "Father, how long will i continue to be unhappy, all i am asking you, is just for me to be happy. That's what i want lord, surely that is not too much to ask" well ...still unhappy!

Until i realized that Life was just way too short for me to keep waiting to be happy. I had to decide to be happy right now, take in the moments and not let them pass by.

That's when i let go and Let God. This is one of the hardest things i have ever had to do in my life! I had to release it all to him and just say "Lord, i do not like where i am right now, but this is where you have me, you know where i want to be, let your will be done and Lord i trust that you will lead me in the right path". Sadly this means that i might never get what i want, but on a brighter note, what God gives, is lasting and better than what we dream of.

This means that even if i do not get my heart desires, i wouldn't be angry at God or everyone else in the world. Happiness is a choice, and i choose to be happy irrespective. After all, God is all that matters and if we really thought everything through, he was there at the beginning and he will be there in the end and so when we really think about it, everything else is really just a side attraction. I have this mantra i repeat to myself when i begin to get frustrated and it says "in the end, after all is said and done, God is all that matters" and i repeat that until i become calm.

Right now, my BB status reads "Cocooning" because i have gone to cocoon, so i can rediscover myself with this new view on life and emerge just like a butterfly, but this time, beautiful on the inside. Filling up my days with messages from Miles Munroe and Joel Osteen, songs from Casting Crowns and Steve Curtis Chapman.............and this is turning out to be a rewarding experience.

....and so the long and short of it is, the world may not fall at my feet, but i choose to be happy irrespective and no one can steal my Joy because it is found in the Lord!